This morning grief decided it wanted to hang out. Great. As much as I try to avoid it at times somehow he always finds me. I started thinking about grief and what he would look like in human form and suddenly an image of that little creature from Lord of the Rings popped into my head. A light stealer. A capturer of happiness. And I don’t like him at all. I get very angry thinking about how selfish he is. And for some reason like a train wreck I could see it coming. I could see him coming. I could feel it welling in my chest yesterday that I was going to be hit with grief and feel my sadness again. Lately I’ve been so focused. I’m trying to create something beautiful in memory of Avery so much that I’ve been distracted. Somehow through all of this all of the things that I’m doing to create some sort of legacy for my son I still feel like a failure. For some reason I feel like it’s not enough. It’s like being in the woods at night and having a flashlight searching for something but you don’t know what it is. That’s how it feels right now in my life. Some days I don’t know what I’m looking for. Am I looking for acceptance? Am I looking for a sense of community? Some days I just don’t know. Today is one of those shitty days in grief. And it makes me very nervous for Thanksgiving. Or shall I call it Thanksgrieving. I’m having Thanksgrieving day jitters.