My First Thanksgrieving

As I prepare for this Thanksgiving there are many things on my mind. The way things were supposed to go was I would be thankful for my happy healthy baby. Avery would have been about four weeks old. It doesn’t seem fair. None of this seems right, but I have to find a way to face it and deal with the cards as they fall today. So, how can I be thankful when the one thing I wanted so desperately is not with me? I wish it was simple. I wish I had an answer not only for me but for the many out there about to embark on the holiday season. I have to remember the things in my life that I am thankful for.  I have to try to shove my grief to the side and allow the gifts in my life to shine through. It’s not easy. But, honestly, what in this world really is?

So what am I thankful for?

I am thankful for my family. I am thankful that my parents are happy and healthy. I am thankful that even after my mother had several surgeries  (knee and foot) that she continues to get better, and stronger. I am thankful that my father takes care of himself with a daily routine of walking and eating right. I am thankful that my siblings (brother and sister) have great people in their lives and are growing into happy lives with them. My sister just purchased her first home and my brother will be married next year. I am also very thankful for the health of my grandmother and the happiness of my extended family.

I am thankful for my husband. He has been there after many breakdown, tears and sorrow filled days. I appreciate his ability to leave me alone when I need the quiet or to comfort me when I come to him in pieces. He is a patient man, and although at times he may not say much, he shows his commitment to our lives and his love for me.

I am thankful for every friendship that has lasted over the course of my loss. I appreciate every kind word, every hug, every card, every shoulder I have cried on.

I am thankful for every single angel mom that has inspired me, shared their sadness and encouragement. The angel moms that have been selfless and given me hope on days that I had none. I am forever indebted to every private message sent back and forth when I wasn’t strong enough to face anyone else. And for all of their babies who have been an inspiration to want to give back and do more for others.

And lastly, I am thankful for Avery. He made me a mother. I am thankful that we had eachother for 20 weeks and 4 days. I am thankful for the happiness he gave me during that time. I am thankful for all of the signs he gives me, especially all the visits from my cardinals and the rainbows in the sky. I am thankful that he opened my eyes into a new horizon of inspiration, love and what it is to be truly dedicated. He has guided me into the lives of many amazing people and shined a light on my artistry. Avery opened my eyes more to nature, to thoroughly enjoy gardening and taking pictures again. He has taught me the beauty of a landscape, the hope from the rising sun, the patience of a blooming flower and the comforts that can be found in a warm breeze.

In closing, while I grieve deeply for my baby every day of my life now, I am still thankful for so much. Some days it may not seem like the good is outweighing the bad, but that is the tug of war in life. We seek a balance. We seek understanding and peace. When it feels like nothing is good or is going right, close your eyes, breathe and be thankful simply in that moment.

Happy Thanksgiving and may love shine through my heart to yours this holiday.

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