Today is a somber day. It is Monday, and therefore by nature I think has become one of my not so favorite days of the week. I think it is in part because my weekend is over, but also I have to leave the comforts and safety of my home. It is raining and the dark tree outlines sway against a grey backdrop in the sky.
I read an article earlier that has stuck with me. One part in particular. It is 13 things you should know about grief after losing a child. Here is the link:
I want to discuss the topic that talks about being in The Mom Club. Up until I lost Avery, things were going as planned. I am a planner and had everything figured out even before becoming pregnant. Name?Check. Nursery theme?Check. I was ready to be in the Mom Club and do Mom things. I scoured the Internet for clothes, decorating ideas, nursing tips, birthday party themes, gender reveal ideas….you name it, I did it. I stumbled on an invite I had made on Facebook this weekend of the original plan for our gender reveal party. It never happened and now looking back I am thankful because Avery passed away the following week .
Anyways, in this article it talks about identity issues. By definition I am a mother. I gave birth to a child. But I can not participate in any mothering on Earth while my child is in Heaven. So I may not publically be perceived as a mother.
I have been told for a while now that I need medications, I need therepy and I need to look forward to the future. Reading articles that highlight the normalcy in my feelings makes me feel better. It makes me realize that while some may look at me like I have lost my dang mind, I look at myself as a Mother trying to be in the Mom Club and fit in as best as possible while Avery and I can not be “together”. I loved it when an Angel Mom told me “this is how we mother our children on Earth”. It is so true and I think it is a test of character that I want to do things to honor and love my baby. Mothers with babies on Earth can show their children off, dress them in all the cutest fashions, take endless pictures and post them all over social media. Angel Moms very much want to be able to do those things but sadly can not. The ways we honor our children is the way mothers take care of their babies that are here. Every post I make, every picture I post is my ways of telling the world that I love my son, that he was real and very much a part of my life.
So, while some may look at me like I am stuck, doing too much to honor or memorialize my baby or fear I am in post partem depression, I am just a mom trying to fit in to The Mom Club as best as I can and mother a baby boy in Heaven.