Today started like most days. I woke up early and had emotions waiting to greet me as I stretched across my bed. I had the day off and lied there listening to my husband get ready. He is a morning person, something I have never been especially since our loss. But his lighthearted routine was expected and I have grown accustomed to his whistles and carefree attitude.
Once he left, I got up and looked out our bedroom window to gage the weather. The sun was peaking behind the townhouses facing our backyard. I refocused to the frosty dew covered window and wrote Avery’s name in the fog. I sat there admiring the way the sun was piecing through his name. My sweet boy.
I headed into the dining room where my journal awaited me. I sat down and started an entry that has been on my mind for a while. I would stop from time to time to switch the soft indie playing in my living room or to refuel on some coffee. It was sometime during the second page that my heart started to feel heavy. And all I wanted was to bring back my baby.
I had to go shopping for a dress so I pushed my tears back as much as I could and got ready to go. I walked the dress aisles upset and weepy. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be in public. But more than that I didn’t want to be trying on dresses and realizing how much weight I had gained over the last several months. Queue the depression.
Once I got home I felt emotionally exhausted. Putting on a sane face can be harder than it sounds at times. I started toying around with my journal and scanned in a few pictures to try my skill level at the coloring book. This is where writing this makes me realize that I was exhausted but still came home to work. I should have been more gentle with myself. I framed a picture of Avery’s ultrasound and placed it on our hutch. The hutch was my grandfather’s and now holds the most precious momentos I have.
My cardinals came for a visit and I welcomed the evening with lighting candles all over the living room. I went live on Instagram and showed some of the women in our community my space for the night. But, as I talked about different things I became even more overwhelmed with emotions. I have a metal moon I bought at an antique shop hanging in my living room that was meant for the nursery.
Life seems so cruel, so unfair…and I often question what I ever did to deserve this punishment.
When I think about the day everything happened it makes me sick. I wish so deeply that I could have saved him. I hurt knowing that he came into this world unable to take a breath. Someday I will be strong enough to tell his full story, but with tears in my eyes I must continue on….
I have yet to really cry today. Maybe I need to. Maybe ignoring my grief is exactly why I feel such a weight on my heart today. But it is late now, and my eyes are ready to close. I want to drift into a sleep tonight and find my angel, waiting to share in the moments within my dreams.