The Waves Will Come 

And then it happened. The grief bubbled over and started rocking her world in the storm of a perfect hurricane. Waves crashing. Life altering. Shaking her from the light in which she hunted so courageously for.  Why do these things happen. Why do bad things happen to good people. Good people…am I? Is that what this is for? Maybe I have been chasing the illusion that I am good. 

I am grasping. Grasping at understand all over again. Why is my baby gone? What the fuck did I do to deserve this pain, this punishment? Why do you rip the light from inside me only to leave it empty and not replace it?! I am angry. I am bitter. Tonight. Tonight is a punishment. Tonight I relive the moments before losing Avery. The black floral dress I wore the last day of his life. The drive to the hospital praying to god that my water wouldn’t break. Clinching my legs together that they shook from the pain on holding on for Avery’s life. The feeling when it happened. The aftermath. The shock. The sadness that will never go away. The struggle of every single day since. 

And the prayers that have gone unanswered to have a family of my own. 

God this hurts…. 
#fuckgrief #grief #loss #infantloss #grievingmother #griefisanasshole #infantlossawareness #averysmomsjourney #imissmyson #stillborn #ic #incompetentcervix #ttc #lifeafterloss


One thought on “The Waves Will Come 

  1. Not many people can understand your pain and those of us who do know that there’s not much that can be said. 8 months ago, my wife and I lost one of our twin boys in the OR/delivery room and the journey has been anything but pleasant. It is definitely something that will never go away and “learning to live with it” just doesn’t happen. It’s a wound that never heals.

    If I may attempt to offer a little encouragement…God is not ignoring your prayers and certainly not leaving you to be alone in your grief. He is as close as you will let Him be. If you’ll allow, I’d like to share a couple Scriptures with you:

    Psalm 34:18 – The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as have a contrite spirit.

    Matthew 5:4 – Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.

    James 4:8a – Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you

    If you would like, you may find some small comforts in my wife’s posts on our blog ( and if she would be a willing ear if you ever need one.


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